Anniversaries

Next week, while my family and I will be at our reunion, this blog will reach its half-year anniversary.  Normally, I would not think to mention it, as it is not the full year, but for one thing:  it corresponds with another important day for me.

That same day, my husband and I will have been married for 20 years, after a courtship of 3-5 months, depending on whether you count the start date when we met or when we went on our first and only date before becoming engaged.  To those more familiar with the modern culture of relatively short marriages, who wonder how people can possibly keep a marriage alive this long, I offer a few insights from our experience:

1.  It's not easy.  For the first 8 years of our marriage, we were not sure we were going to make it.  Something happened around the 9th year (4 kids in), and we realized we actually did want to stay married.  Even then, a marriage can always be improved; we're still working on ways to make our partnership better.

2.  Commitment is what counts first; love is second.  I know you are going to think this sounds backward.  "But wait!  Isn't a marriage supposed to be built on a foundation of love?"  Ideally, yes.  But what do you do when the trials of life buffet your marriage, and you are not sure you really love your spouse?  (Or when you are just about absolutely positive you do not love your spouse . . .)  That's when commitment kicks in . . . and most of the time, it can carry you past those trials until the flames of love can be fanned up again.  (Disclaimer:  this does not apply to cases of actual abuse, which are an entirely different discussion.)  The only thing which kept my husband and I married during a good deal of those first 8 years was the determination by each of us, individually, that we were not going to be the one who broke the commitment--the one who "quit".

3.  It is important to have common interests (like SWTOR!), but it is also important to value differences.  On the Myers-Briggs survey, my husband and I are exact opposites.  I'm not kidding:  I'm an ISTJ, and he's an ENFP.  (Not a single letter in common!)  I've had to learn to deal with a husband who takes many more risks than I do, and he's had to learn to deal with a wife who needs quiet time alone, instead of wanting to go out and "do something".  I suspect our personality differences may have greatly contributed to the strife of those first 8 years, but we've each since grown to recognize and appreciate the other's strengths.  It means we can delegate tasks according to who would be best suited to it, or it means we can help and coach each other on our various weaknesses, if needed.  (Very Important Note here:  criticism is not help!!  Helping is when you take the other person by the hand, only after they've requested it, and guide them through what needs to be done.)

With the foundation we have managed to build thus far, we have every expectation that our future years will be even better than our present ones.  And that's a good feeling to have.